Creating and maintaining successful relationships can be challenging. I know from personal experience that this is especially true in relationships that are connected financially, if one person is a spender and the other is a saver. For me, it often felt like these opposite ends of the spectrum were antagonistic to one another, though with conscious & intentional effort it has had more of a Yin-Yang effect. Becoming conscious of my own propensities around money has been critical to pinpointing the habits that create financial challenges. Here are some tips for a balanced relationship with a spender and a saver that have proved helpful for me.
Keep it in perspective
It might seem counterintuitive, based on my current profession, but over the course of my life I have found myself to be the careless spender. Through doing personal work around my relationship to money I came to realize that what was modeled for me at home, in my younger years, had shown up in my own habits as an adult. Through navigating self-inflicted periods of financial hardship & challenge I have been able to reconcile this and come to terms with how I view and engage with money and create better habits and a healthier perspective (and I am still far from perfect in this regard).
It’s normal to feel some tension in a relationship where one person is more prone to spending and the other saving. Keep in mind that most of the time, your partner isn’t intentionally trying to make things difficult for you. Their differing relationship to money is a product of their life experience and is often very subconscious (I know mine was), if we can deploy empathy it can be very effective in easing the tension.
Focus on being supportive & understanding, not judgmental. If you start to feel resentful and angry, think about it from a perspective that’s broader than just your own feelings. It is easy to carry resentments, which in turn colors ongoing interactions in a negative way…this is a destructive practice that will surely lead to a dissolved relationship, not to mention anger and a myriad of other unproductive emotions. If we can work to disconnect the issue from emotion, it will go a long way towards keeping a level head & ultimately a more beneficial outcome.
Find Common Ground – Work Together
If you’re the spender and your partner is the saver, it’s important that you recognize this as a possible source of tension. Whatever the case, it is critically important to find common ground and explore ways to balance things out. Often, if a saver is of the variety that leans towards ‘hoarding’ money, this behavior can be rooted in feelings of financial insecurity and lack (whether past or present, founded or unfounded), which is very important to understand when working to find mutually beneficial solutions. If you’re the spender it stands to reason that you are making that fear worse, whether it’s intentional or not.
Conversely, if you’re the saver and the haphazard spending of your partner is driving you nuts (or worse, causing financial hardships) it might be that they are operating from the perspective that money is meant to be spent for enjoyment/needs of the present which is more important to them than saving for a “hypothetical” future. Being aware of this possibility is an important understanding and can help you to orient the conversation in a way that will lead them to see how their spending habits are causing problems.
Leveraging each other’s strengths & perspectives in ways that help to achieve a more desired outcome is not only a great way to deepen the relationship but also is a collaborative approach that will always increase the chances of success. As is the case with most aspects of our lives, collaboration requires clear, open, and honest communication.
Talk about money
It can be hard to talk about money regardless of your perspective. There’s usually a lack of understanding between spenders and savers, which can lead to conflict. Money conversations can be a source of anxiety and stress for a lot of people, which is often why it’s avoided like the plague. Setting aside judgements, emotions, and accusations is imperative to holding a productive and beneficial conversation.
One way to ease tension and base the discussion in fact, rather than feeling, is by making sure that both you and your partner know how much is being spent on a monthly basis. Reviewing and refining (when appropriate) the budget regularly to assess the “state of the union” brings clarity and can avoid unnecessary strain on a relationship. Spenders will often avoid awareness of what they’re spending **raises hand**. Rather than just letting spending habits fly under the radar, highlighting outflows can anchor the conversation and help them see the effect of their behavior. This kind of exercise was a watershed for me, talking over how my spending was creating stress for my wife and bringing financial challenges for us shifted my consciousness and helped me change my habits.
Don’t compare yourself to your partner
Spenders and savers often have different desires in life. This may result in some tension, but don’t compare yourself to your partner. This is a common tactic for people who are trying to make themselves feel better about their spending habits. However, this approach will only widen the divide and rarely, if ever, help solve anything. If you’re a saver and your partner is a spender, it’s easy to feel like you’re more committed or responsible than them because you are better at saving. Be careful here, relationships where one partner feels a sense of supremacy or superiority are not only dysfunctional but will likely result in parting ways (and not always amicably).
Spending has nothing to do with what kind of person you are or even necessarily how much self-control you have; it certainly does not determine your “worthiness” or value in the relationship. So, don’t let spending/saving habits get in the way of things by comparing yourself with your partner. Focus on what effect your spending or saving behaviors are having on your overall circumstances or wellbeing, these aspects are what we’re ultimately trying to improve anyway. Comparing one person/family/business to another is mostly irrelevant because there are so many variables that can differ from one to the next. It’s best to simply home in on what isn’t working or meeting needs for you and yours, without likening to what others are doing.
